conflicted conflicted conflicted. am i doing what i want? is this where i wanna go? am i just making mistake after mistake? can this really just keep happening to me over and over again? apparently it can. ahhh!! what a headache. i guess i will just go with the flow and see what happens. it's amazing how many thoughts one can keep in our heads. and its particularly interesting how random those thoughts can be. just like this entry i suppose. oh well. time to hit the books again :D

if this is how it's going to be. i will make it true. you will see. 

JR totally made my night man (:

12:06:14 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: and do post updates when u're overseas! =P

12:06:20 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: HAHAHAHAHAH

12:06:22 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: as in on fb

12:06:24 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: so i know u're still alive la kekekekeke

12:06:28 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: WAHAHHAHAHA

12:06:28 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: anywheree =P

12:06:31 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: why wld i be deaddddd

12:06:32 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: LOL

12:06:36 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: cursing me before i leave ah

12:06:36 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: ahhaha

12:06:38 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: no lah jus kidding =D

12:06:56 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: soooo have fun on ur trip! =D

12:06:58 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: when u leaving ar?

12:08:03 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: 15sept

12:08:05 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: long time more

12:08:09 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: but i might be slotting another trip in btw

12:08:10 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: haha

12:08:14 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: i will!

12:08:17 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: omg im worried for my chi

12:08:18 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: HAHAHAH

12:14:12 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: i seee =P 

12:14:15 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: dun worry!

12:14:37 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: they don't speak in riddles and poems like the china chinese pple hehehe

12:14:47 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: so communication part should be alright la :)

12:14:52 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: HAHHAHAHAHHAHHA

12:14:53 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: -.-

12:14:58 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: u sure china pple speak like tt

12:14:59 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: lol

12:15:08 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: i would think so~ haha

12:15:15 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: i hear 5 words, 7 words all the time from them

12:15:16 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: hehe

12:15:31 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: and all the cheng yu ._. *faints*

12:15:56 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: wahhhhhhhhhh

12:16:00 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: i think i shd just hang a sign ard myself

12:16:04 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: NO SPEAK GD CHI

12:16:04 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: =P

12:16:05 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: STAY AWAY

12:16:06 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: ahhaha

12:16:09 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: hahahaah

12:16:10 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: or BE WARNED

12:16:11 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: lol

12:16:16 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: heyy dudeeee ur chinese is better than me!

12:16:17 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: remember!

12:16:18 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: =D

12:16:21 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: ahhahahhaa

12:16:22 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: oh ya ah

12:16:23 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: LOL

12:16:25 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: u forgot about the ktv sessions sia

12:16:26 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: hahaha

12:16:35 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: u can one lahhh

12:17:36 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: =D okie i'd better head to bed now to prepare for the battle tmr haha

12:17:39 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: take care ya u~

12:17:55 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: better drink more ginseng tea cuz of the jetlag and all ;)

12:18:01 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: wat abt it

12:18:05 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: HAHAHHA

12:18:15 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: singing chi songs vs speaking to chinese pple = different ah

12:18:16 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: HAHAHHA

12:18:24 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: HAHHA ginseng tea?

12:18:26 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: really?

12:18:28 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: awww you're sweet

12:18:31 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: yeah =D

12:18:32 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: thks

12:18:38 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: =) and last comment before i go is.....

12:18:42 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: welll u can sing chi songs to them!

12:18:49 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: ok thats so funny im gonna dieee

12:18:50 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: *giggles*

12:18:59 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: *goes*

12:19:18 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: AHAHHAHA!

12:19:18 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: OMG

12:19:21 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: so everytime they say sth

12:19:25 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: i sing a song to them

12:19:28 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: or a chorus in response

12:19:29 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: WHAHAHAHHAHA

12:19:32 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: WE SHD TOTALLY TRY THAT

12:19:33 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: OMG

12:19:36 AM jessica_ong99@hotmail.com: TTS DAMN FUNNY SERIOUSLY

12:19:41 AM garjrt@yahoo.com.sg: lol

HAHA. FREAKING FREAKING HILARIOUS LAAAA!!! JR YOU ARE A FUNNY MAN. I SAY THIS IN ALL SERIOUSNESS (no paradox intended). and with his last comment.. he hit the sack and i wound up un-moody (i was slightly emo over this thing that just happened before) with a big smile on my face! :D thks JR again for making my night! hahaha :D XD :D

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me,
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break,
I crave, I love, I’ve waited long enough,
I try as hard as I can.

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it’s real,
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees,
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man,
I try as hard as I can.

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

Why do you see, why do you see, why do you see right through me?

i am twisted...

seriously.. i twisted my neck. nearly died while my dad tried to help me reduce the pain. whatever he did.. it worked! i cld turn my head at bigger angles. however, it's still mother f***ing pain. spoils the mood for anything and everything. hopefully i recover before the msia trip. damnit.  i can't decide if having a sprained neck or sprained foot is worse. they're both equally bad. it's causing me to have major headaches. oh what to do... 

i realise.. the 3 of us (me, kc, shan) alws end up taking random & horrigible pics at random times and places. AND we alws look sooo different each time. haha. how much can a person change man! 

Things to do:

1) take the car for servicing
2) buy some salonpas medicated plasters for my bloody neck
3) arrange trips with ml and/or shan
4) upload aged old sch pics before jiayi kills me
5) extend lib due dates
6) find bridge/mj/supper khakis!
7) eat steak! lol
8) play badm
9) pack luggage for msia trip

emo_gal86

feeling sad and happy. happy that i get a break. sad that i'm leaving so many people behind. its a strange strange feeling. sometimes u just wanna die of frustration, stress, anger or sian-ness in school. but at the same time memories have been formed and you miss it all the same. especially the colleagues who you see day in and day out. the routine in life that you've gotten so accustomed to. feels so weird that i no longer have to drive down the same road to sch and wake up so goddamn early inta morning just to sing the national anthem etc. tho i really do think i'm not mature enough to be a teacher yet. a lot of times i feel as tho i'm still a student and i'm not ata right point in my life to be a teacher yet. to appreciate being a teacher more like. 

amusingly stressed on friday. even tho it was my last day. had lessons cos my darling pooner was on course. then had to settle all the returning keys, signing forms, getting all the hods to sign forms, clear desk, recycle some stuff, write some notes to some colleagues to thank them. only wrote like a handful of notes inta end. cos i seriously ran outta time. like the auntie who was closing e staffroom actually had to wait an additional 10min for me. i was running ard the staffroom trying to randomly dump notes here n there. goodness. its ironic that i was so free and relaxed the wks prior to my last day. ironic indeed. ahh man.. i'm missing my colleagues and bits of peicai already and its only been 2 days. strange. perhaps absence really does make the heart grow fonder. hmm... 

anw i was really touched on friday. the party that my form class and cinda threw for me, the collage they did and some presents and personal letters i received. even when i was talking to cinda, we were both slightly tearing somehow. so emo man. goodness. can you really miss an environment you once supposely hated since day 1? teaching was definitely a profession i nv considered ata beginning n a job i prolly was determined not to like. i suppose time really does change everything. or perhaps we are just fickle. RESPECT MAN.

something to reflect or ponder?

interestingly enough when i was clearing up my room, i found this little list i made in uni year 2 during econs tutorial. EC1101E. i wrote it during tutorial, alongside the company of my darling tutorial friend (sorry i forgot who i took econs with... was it evelyn?) while my econs tutor, was staring ata board blankly. she was a PRC, prolly a noob and my list was titled 'REASONS TO FIRE THE TEACHER'. i then began to list 13 reasons why she should be fired. 

1) language barrier (very very poor command of english)
2) dresses poorly (t-shirt and jeans)
3) makes no sense (she really didn't, noone understood her)
4) contradicts herself (like in the next split second kind, oh and she tends to talk to herself)
5) pauses too long to think redundantly (harsh but true.. she didn't seem to know her work)
6) smiles at herself (in a creepy way)
7) confused about her own work (need i say more)
8) skips questions (she makes us do the work and she skips a major part of it! wtf)
9) arrives late for lessons (like 15min late.. wth)
10) talks in incomplete sentences (no comments)
11) poses to think very unglamly (yes.. i couldnt even stand the way she stood)
12) jumps into the answer without looking at the question thoroughly (we questioned her intelligence here)
13) poor explanations (very random and HUH?)

now that i understand the pains (there's always gd and bad) of being a teacher and have new found respect for those inta teaching profession, i feel a tad guilty being so harsh on her. but on retrospect, i guess everything in my list was true. and yes, back to the previous entry on BLAME, i do blame her for de-inspiring me to finally do well for econs ( i really tot i had a gd 2nd chance to love/understand the subject post jc). ah well. can't believe this week is almost over. feeling both happy and sad. 

weather blabber

blame it on the weather, blame it on the skies, blame it on everything that goes awry. blame it on the people, blame it on genes, blame it on everything that makes me want to scream. blame circumstances for loss of hope, blame it on society for structuring moulds. blame it on the country for not being cold, blame it on people who never grow old. blame it on youth, blame it on the recession, blame it on upcoming competition. blame it on the second guesses, blame our darkest thoughts. blame me, hate me, hate myself for hating me. confusion, is all i see. shambles of life that fragment me. inner turmoil, myself, i can no longer see. have i really lost me?